“My Spouse Spends Too Much Money” + (Here’s What to Do)

Admittedly, I have never been the saver-spouse. While I kicked my shopping addiction to the curb well over a decade ago, I still like to spend money. (I love money so much that I started a website about it.) But if you're someone who says, “My spouse spends too much money,” I can understand and empathize with how stressful this situation can be because I know it caused a lot of discord in my previous marriage. Money is a huge deal — arguments over finances are still one of the leading causes of divorce; 22% of divorce professionals reported it being a leading issue in the divorce cases they've handled.

“My Spouse Spends too Much Money” – 7 ways to deal

You come home from work and see yet another Amazon package sitting on your doorstep. (WHO ME?) Flashes of your next credit card bill fill your head and you end up lashing out at your spouse. This quickly leads to an argument and hurt feelings on both sides. Overspending by a spouse or partner is not merely about the financial strain; it also creates emotional tension, resentment, and misunderstandings that can chip away at the very foundation of the relationship.

I did some research, and below are five things to try when you're attempting to troubleshoot your partner's spending problem.

First — Make Sure The Issue Is About Money and Not Something Else

Overspending is often less about the money itself and more about what the money represents. It could be a coping mechanism for stress, a result of compulsive buying disorder, or simply a difference in financial mentalities between partners. No matter the cause, dealing with overspending requires a balance of understanding, patience, and open communication.

Overspending can often be rooted in emotional and psychological triggers. For instance, some people may resort to “retail therapy” as a way to cope with stress, anxiety, or low mood. Others might overspend to maintain certain social appearances or out of a desire for instant gratification. To treat the spending, you first have to determine why they're spending in the first place. I'll cover spending addiction more in-depth at the bottom of the article, but for the purposes of the first half of this article, let's assume it's just run-of-the-mill overspending tendencies.

Set Up a Reward System

The easiest way to help your spouse/partner out of a habit of overspending is to set up a reward system.

I know this seems elementary, but often financial tension between couples is merely a byproduct of two people having different sets of values around money. In short, it is very, very hard to change someone's entire value system.

If you're a saver dealing with a spender, they're probably not going to become a saver overnight. Rather, you're going to have to get them fully on board with what you're trying to accomplish with the money instead of overspending. Make it a game and implement rewards or set parameters on what your partner can spend rather than being so restrictive.

In the meantime, work on understanding the differences between the way you handle money and the way your partner handles/views it.

Work to Understand the Spending vs. Saving Mentality

If you and your spouse decide to work on this issue yourselves, you may find it helpful to understand the difference between a spending mentality and a saving mentality. 

The Spending Mentality:

People with a spending mentality tend to prioritize immediate gratification over long-term financial stability. They may view money as a means to indulge in their desires and fulfill their immediate needs and wants. For them, shopping and spending money can provide a temporary boost of happiness and satisfaction.

The Saving Mentality:

On the other hand, individuals with a saving mentality prioritize long-term financial security and stability. Saving-minded individuals tend to be more cautious when it comes to spending money and are more likely to weigh the pros and cons of each purchase. (They also tend to be more risk-averse in general.)

They derive satisfaction from seeing their savings grow and knowing they have a safety net for unexpected expenses. This person may have a hard time spending money on experiences, treating themselves for fun, or anything they see as extravagant, even if they have the money in their budget.

Understanding that your spouse may have a difficult time switching from an instant gratification spending mentality to a long-term happiness savings mentality will go a long way toward helpful communication instead of finger-pointing. 

Have Transparent Finances (and a regular money date)

Sharing financial information can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells. Try scheduling a regular meeting time to discuss overall goals for financial responsibility in your relationship. During the meeting, discuss topics like how your parents handled their money, whether you see money as a tool or a burden, and your preferences about saving, giving, or spending. 

Having a regular, recurring “money date” also builds in some accountability for partners who may overspend on accident or are trying to form a new habit of being more fiscally responsible.

Don't shy away from expressing your concerns. As Fidelity points out, “Finding a constructive, respectful way of raising difficult concerns, rather than avoiding them altogether, may serve your partnership better in the long run.” And when in doubt, seek more information. The more informed you both are, the easier it will be to make joint decisions.”

Set Financial Goals Together

Man, this is so crucial to marriage. And has the added benefit of being a great way to curb a spouse who spends too much money.

Setting long-term goals can also make sticking to a budget feel less like a chore and more like a shared journey toward a fulfilling future. These could include buying a house, planning for retirement, going on a dream vacation, or starting a family. When you have specific goals to work towards each month, it becomes easier to stick to the budget since overspending can delay these plans.

It's okay for you to have your own, separate money goals. But it's critical to have joint financial goals you're working toward throughout your partnership. The benefits when both partners are involved in financial decisions are numerous. Together you’ll find shared goals promote open communication, reduce disagreements over money, and provide a safety net in case of unforeseen circumstances like death, divorce, or disability.

Being part of the decision-making process also helps to alleviate feelings of resentment or power imbalances that may occur when one person shoulders all the financial responsibility. 

Create a Household Budget

Perhaps your spouse's overspending is actually a “lack of information” problem. Particularly if you are newly partnered, married, or have just moved in together, your household budget could be radically different than the budget for two singles, so it's best to develop a budget together that aligns with your financial goals as a couple. This will help provide a framework for managing your finances and ensure that both spending and saving are accounted for.

Here's my guide on how to build a budget if you're starting from scratch and need a little help.

Start by:

1. Discussing your respective financial habits, goals, and desires. 
2. Determining the household needs, including fixed expenses such as rent or mortgage payments, utility bills, groceries, car payments, and debt repayments. 
3. Tracking your spending for a month to see where your money really goes.
4. Finding ways to spend less over all such as opting for a less expensive car or cutting back on eating out.

It's normal for one person to be more inclined towards saving while the other leans towards spending. The key lies in prioritizing needs over wants and being clear about the reasons behind this priority. If debt is part of your financial picture, it's crucial to develop a plan to tackle it in a way that makes both of you comfortable. (Here's how I paid off $8,000 in 90 Days)

Consider Separating Finances

If after some time combining your money is still creating problems, it’s time to consider separate finances. This approach involves keeping individual bank accounts and dividing financial responsibilities between partners. Here are some benefits when using this option:

• Transparency: If your spouse’s overspending is causing a lack of trust or transparency in your relationship, separate finances can help rebuild that trust. By having individual accounts, both partners can have a clearer picture of their spending habits and take responsibility for their financial decisions.
• Accountability: Separate finances can also provide a sense of accountability. Each partner is responsible for their own financial decisions and has the opportunity to learn from any mistakes they make. This can promote financial growth and responsibility in both individuals.
• Priorities: With separate finances, each partner can have more control over their own budgeting and saving goals. They can allocate their money based on their individual needs and priorities. This allows for more flexibility and autonomy in managing personal finances.

You’ll need to establish a system for handling joint expenses such as bills, mortgage/rent, and family expenses. This can be done by setting up a joint account where each partner contributes a certain percentage of their income towards shared expenses.

Remember, implementing separate finances is not a solution for all couples. It's important to consider the unique dynamics of your relationship and determine what approach works best for you both. 

Don't Be Afraid of Money

Spending money is a natural part of life. The key lies in striking a balance between spending and saving. Money is more than just a tool – it's an opportunity to improve your life. I don't think it's realistic to expect your partner to completely change their ways, but it is realistic to expect that both of you will work to find some common ground.

Investing in yourself and your partner will have long-term rewards. With money, you can make lasting memories, build a family together, and enjoy experiences that bring you joy. Let money be the fuel that enhances your life, not a source of fear and resentment.

“My Spouse Spends Too Much Money” — Is it Actually a Spending Addiction?

Spending addiction, also known as compulsive buying disorder, is a serious issue affecting millions of people worldwide. It is estimated that approximately 18 million American adults are affected. The disorder seems to affect women more than men, with around 80% of those affected being female. The onset of symptoms typically begins in the late teens or early 20s. 

According to Ruth Engs from Indiana University, some people develop shopping addictions because they (essentially) get addicted to the endorphins and dopamine their brain releases, and over time, these feelings become addictive. Enter endless internet memes about shopping and little treats and serotonin.

Start gently

Avoid accusing your partner about their spending habits. Express your concerns in a supportive and non-judgmental manner, such as, “I think we may need to rein in spending to meet our budget goals” instead of “Your spending addiction is screwing up our budget.” Then listen to their response instead of jumping back in with your own thoughts.

How do you know when it's the right time to involve a professional? 

Here are some signs that indicate it may be necessary to bring in a professional:

1. The overspending continues despite your efforts: If you have tried setting budgets, having conversations about financial goals, and implementing other strategies, but the overspending persists, it may be an indication that outside help is needed.
2. Emotional distress is impacting your relationship: Overspending can lead to financial strain and tension in a relationship. If the issue is causing significant emotional distress for either you or your partner, seeking professional help can provide a safe space to address these emotions and find constructive solutions rather than going it alone.
3. Overspending is affecting your financial stability: If your spouse’s overspending is putting a strain on your finances and jeopardizing your financial stability, it is crucial to take action. Seeking professional help can provide you with the tools and guidance necessary to regain control over your financial situation.

How to Seek Professional Help For Excessive Spending

When seeking professional help, it is important to find a qualified individual or organization with expertise in financial counseling or therapy. Look for professionals who specialize in money management, overspending, shopping/spending addiction, and relationship dynamics. You may also consider seeking recommendations from friends, family, or trusted advisors who have gone through similar situations. If you want a certified financial therapist, you can use the Financial Therapy Association's website to search in your area.

I'm a big therapy advocate. It's changed my life.

When I was in college I had a shopping addiction that led to over $10,000 in credit card debt. Overcoming my addiction was difficult but with the help of a mental health professional, I learned coping skills that allowed me to stop the spending cycle. 

Professionals can provide valuable insight into the underlying causes of overspending and offer practical steps toward change.

• A financial therapist can assist with managing compulsive behaviors, providing coping skills, and even addressing co-existing mental health issues that could be contributing to the spending problem. 
• A financial counselor can help create a realistic budget and provide strategies for sticking to it, as well as offer guidance on debt management and long-term financial planning.

Seeking help is also important if overspending has led to significant financial difficulties, such as mounting debt or an inability to meet basic needs. In these cases, credit counseling services or debt management programs can assist in creating a plan to repay debts and regain financial stability.

Closing Thoughts

Whew. That was a lot. Let me just say, that in the journey towards better financial management, it's important to remember that change takes time. Be patient, and supportive, and keep the lines of communication open. It's about working together as a team to build a financially secure future while respecting each other's needs and viewpoints.

1. Create a budget
2. Prioritize needs over wants
3. Set long-term goals
4. And seek external help when needed 

These steps will help you manage overspending and build a secure financial future together. Remember, it's not just about managing money, but about working as a team to create a harmonious and fulfilling future.